The Story of Chainmail

Hello, kids-
I am going to tell you
the story of Chainmail.
It starts out on a far
away planet called
Earth. On this planet
there lived a boy named
Nixter. He and his
friend Jon were
downtown one day when
they decided to have
some fun by going to
the top of the tallest
building in their small
town and spitting water
onto the heads of the
people walking fourteen
stories below. They
took an elevator to the
top floor and went out
onto the ledge
overlooking the street.
Jon was about to snag a
gob of tuke onto a bald
guy's head when, while
bending over, saw an
ugly gangster and his
henchmen murder an
innocent man who
couldn't pay back the
money he owed them.
Just before Jon noticed
them he made that sound
you make before you
spit:
Hcaaaaaawccchh!!!
"Hey boss!", shouted
lefty, the gangster's
lefthand man,
"Witnesses!!"
"GET 'EM!!"
Nixter turned around to
retreat back into the
building when he found
that it was locked.
He mumbled an obscene
word under his breath.
Three helicopters
appeared and started to
shoot at them.
"We'll have to use our
jackets as para
chutes!!", Jon yelled
over the gunfire and
whir of the helicopter
blades.
taking off their
jackets they parachuted
down dodging bullets
and trying not to get
chopped into pieces
like an onion in a food
processor.
They were about to hit
against the ground with
a very loud and bloody
thud, when they landed
in a speeding
convertible.
Jon landed in the front
seat with the girl who
was driving, and Nix
landed in back with a
stolen arsenal of
weapons.
"What are these
for?" asked Nix.
"My father collects
them.", the girl
replied.
A car pulled out in
back of them and
started to chase.
"Mind if I uses a few?"
"Go ahead."
A gangster leaned out
of the window and
started to shoot at
them with a pistol.
Nix took out a rifle
and started to shoot
back.
The gangster pulled out
an UZI.
Nix grabbed an M-16.
The gangster got out a
grenade launcher.
Nix lifted up a rocket
launcher.
The gangster grabbed a
Bazooka.
Nix couldn't find
anything bigger so he
poured a can of nails
onto the street behind
him and the gangster's
car proceeded to skid
into a wall.
"Pretty good, eh
Jon?... Jon??"
Jon was making out with
the girl.
"@#%&!?*", yelled Nixter
as he tried in vain to
grab for the steering
wheel. "^@%&!!" he
cried as the car flew
off of the pier and out
over the dark blue
lake.
"@$!#*--GAAAAAAAAH!" he
uttered as the car
landed on the back half
of an empty boat,
jarring it loose from
the dock where it was
tied.
The gangster jumped in
their speedboat and
started to pursue.
Nix, dazed from the
crash, got up slowly
and looked around.
The gangster in the
front of the boat
whipped out a strange
looking gun and started
to aim it. An old
looking man yelled,
"Hey! Don't use that!!
It's faulty!"
"Shuddup you old
geezer!"
With that he shot the
gun which proceeded to
malfunction.
The speedboat suddenly
became a nuclear ball
of fire, streaming
straight at Nix and
Jon.

FOOOOOM!!

Jon and Nixter's
muscles doubled twice
in size while in a
blinding wailing flash
they mutated... the girl
wasn't affected simply
because she was on
bottom...
The girl, whose name by
the way is Chastin,
was finding this all
very amusing, but was
kind of tired so she
pulled out a small
metal box and spoke
into it.
A gigantic spaceship
decsended from the
cloudy gray sky to
hover over the boat.
Doors opened on the
bottom of the ship and
the boat and everything
on it was pulled up
into it.
Once on board,
Chastin's father came
down to greet them.
"This is Jon, Dad, and
this is.. ah.."
"Nixster."
"Oh."
While Chastin's father
showed Jon around the
ship, Nix asked to be
let off at the next
stop, which happened to
be a small planet
called Aolergonn.
Now let us journey into
the future of Earth
after World War 3,
during World War 4. The
Hurvichs, the last
surviving communists
have attacked Russia
and taken it over. They
also took the
surrounding countries
and the United Kingdom.
They then launched
nuclear attack on North
America and Africa.
America was losing so
the president sent out
four last troops into
the center of the
communist territory to
nuke it. The four
troops were called
frontguard, backguard
safeguard, and
stealth.
The leader of the
stealth team was a man
named Tony. One of his
arms had been cut off
during battle and he
had a metal hand in
its place. His team of
jet tanks was going to
fly straight over the
base of operations,
while the other teams
infiltrated the
surrounding area.
Before this battle
could take place a
communist spy found out
about it, and fearing
defense would not work
anyhow, drugged Tony
and put him on a
Greenpeace ship that
could sense the
upcoming holocaust and
was traveling to the
nearest life supporting
planet.
A replacement was
issued to a chemist
named Adem, but he had
already been ambushed
and put on the same
ship.
The ship came to
Aolgeron, and Tony and
Adem journeyed for a
long time until they
met up with two other
people, Nixter and a
native to this planet
who they called david.
Each of them were
skilled fighters and
they called themselves
CHAINMAIL.
With income coming from
agent Joff as warehouse
exterminators, and
money from fights in
the Arena (plus money
that they stole for
fun) they got along
pretty nicely. Well
it's getting late and I
need some whiskey, so
I'll maybe tell you the
rest later.